Our Story

Dearest Dahlia,

Another month has passed us by. This has been a tough one for both of us. This was the month that we decided to allow you to fall asleep on your own. Dahlia, I’m not sure if this topic will be so loaded when you get around to reading these letters, but people have made enemies and fought battles over how to manage the sleep patterns of their children. There are two large theories: “Attachment Parenting” and “Cry it Out”. Now, just from the names, you know which theory is best, right? I mean, who wants to allow their child to cry, and be identified as a “detached parent”? However, there is more to this issue than what appears on the surface labels. From what I have learned in books and by observing the parenting of others, It seems these two camps pan out this way: either you soothe your child to sleep (usually in your own bed) for the rest of their childhood, or you allow your child to cry at some point as they learn to fall asleep on their own. There are excellent parents on both sides of the argument. I tell you all this only to let you know how Daddy and I have agonized over this decision. No parent wants to let their child cry for any reason — this is instinctual. However, despite this very strong reflex, we decided that we would begin to let you cry so that you can learn how to soothe yourself to sleep.

There are several things that helped us with this decision. It has become very clear to us what certain cries mean: shrill screaming is pain or fear, cough-like insistent crying is hunger, wailing and moaning is tiredness or boredom, sporadic bouts of crying at varying levels is protest, etc. Based on this, it was clear to us that you did not need anything, other than sleep, when we put you down to sleep, but instead you wanted us to hang around and soothe or play with you. As one book I read described it, “This may be the first time you ignore protest crying, but it won’t be the last time.”

Also, knowing that learning how to put yourself to sleep is a crucial skill, and since you would have to learn it sooner or later, we figured now was as good a time as any. You are old enough to be comfortable alone, but you aren’t old enough to be able to stand up or move around which I think would have given you more opportunities to protest instead of just fall asleep. I know that I am grateful to my parents for teaching me this skill every time I am able to lay down and fall asleep so easily. I hope to provide that for you, my sweet baby.

Even with all these reasons and more staring me in the face, I still felt it nearly unbearable to take this step and let you cry until you fell asleep. I kept putting it off: after this growth spurt, after vacation, after this teething episode (no teeth yet, by the way), etc. Finally, the necessary impetus forced the decision: YOU. When we returned from vacation, you began to have more and more trouble falling asleep despite our best efforts at soothing you. You became crankier and crankier as it took longer for us to get you to sleep and you woke up more frequently. You started clawing at your head and ears and screaming like a banshee a lot of the time during the day. Monday night it took 3 hours to put you to sleep. Finally, Wednesday night, you began screaming after I started soothing you to sleep by our usual pattern: nursing and rocking. The screaming only became more insistent and loud as Daddy and I alternatively tried to calm you down. You were flailing and wild, out of control. Finally, we decided that we weren’t helping things, and we hesitantly put you in your crib. As we stood there in the dark, you screamed like someone was pulling your toenails out. Of course, that’s how you were screaming when we were holding you, too, so that wasn’t because we put you down. Although it was difficult, it wasn’t as hard as I thought because you were screaming, not crying. You were having a full blown temper tantrum, and I couldn’t help you solve it. You needed to work it out on your own. We huddled quietly in the corner, just waiting and making sure you didn’t hurt yourself! Finally, after 26 long minutes you lay there quietly, kicking the mattress pensively, and then you just fell asleep! You slept through the night, which is something you had stopped doing a while ago, and we all woke up VERY happy!

So, to make a long story longer, it only took about a week of crying until you stopped crying when we put you in your crib to sleep at night. Amazing, but true. You are sleeping much better and your mood is so improved. You are taking better, more consolidated naps during the day. It also makes it much easier to leave you with babysitters so Daddy and I can enjoy some time alone and miss you the whole evening we are away from you! It is so wonderful that you are able to calm yourself now. Sometimes when you are napping, I go in when you are making noises, and you are just hanging out playing with your blankie! So cool.

You seem so much more interactive in general lately. Your grabbing has become dangerous. We have to make sure that we keep a sufficient distance between your hands and anything we don’t want in your mouth. Basically, if it is a choking hazard, it is practically guaranteed that you will be reaching for it, eyes wide and mouth half open in an excited grin of expectation. “Oh what, oh what does that plastic bag taste like?!?”

You also have learned new and interesting ways to contort your body. You can lay down and crane your neck all the way backwards to see things behind you, while pushing with your feet. You accomplished rolling over from your back to your stomach at Grandma’s one day last week with those contortions. Sometimes when I’ve went to get you from your crib, you have turned sideways. I’m not sure how you do that! You are pushing up so much with your hands and feet when we put you on your belly, I practically expect you to crawl away! You haven’t done that yet, but you can hike your rear end up in the air by pushing with your feet. It’s pretty cute

We went on our first family vacation together this month. We headed down to North Carolina on a 10-hour-long road trip. Since we left at 2AM, we were able to keep you asleep most of the way, and happy for the rest of the way. We are so proud of your traveling skills! Of course, the trip home in the daytime was a lot harder, so we stopped a lot more frequently. Everything is harder with a baby. We discovered that when we were trying to get from our house to the beach every morning. So many more things to think about and take with us. And then when you got there, you might not even be happy. Either it was too windy or hot or boring or wet, and you just got cranky. It’s hard to enjoy the beach when you have a cranky baby. But you started to enjoy the beach more as the week went on. You even took a nap on a towel one afternoon. I have to admit, the ocean provides the best white noise! Everyone in the family enjoyed passing you around. You were so amazingly cute in your little bathing suit!! We let you sit in the surf a bit and you enjoyed it. The pool was a bit chilly for you, though. Daddy thought I was crazy when I tried to think of ways to keep you from getting covered in sand. He was right, it’s impossible. But you sure enjoyed squishing it with your toes and grabbing handfuls of it (which were always quickly blocked by Mommy or Daddy before entering your mouth).

You continue to grow at a rapid rate. You are now in size three diapers, which, by the way is the same size that your 16 month old cousin wears! We had to change you over to the convertible car seat this past week sine you have reached the height and weight limits on the infant seat. You now have a large cushy throne in the car. You are almost done with 6 month clothes too. You fit much better in the 6-9 month or 9 month. Daddy and I both think that you are growing into your baby fat well, though!

Well, my little one, this has been a very long letter. Of course, I can go on indefinitely with interesting details of how you brighten our lives every day, but I should end this now. That way we can both get some sleep!

Love Always,
Mommy

Dearest Dahlia,

This month has been a continuation of that common theme in your life–growth. So much change! We estimate that you have been growing at about a pound a week. Your hair is getting longer now too. I have to trim your fingernails frequently (that is so much fun, by the way, especially when you flail your hands while I’m doing it). And those are just your physical changes.

Your motor skills seem the most developed. At the beginning of this month, your grip was a lot like that claw drop game: random grabs that hardly seem to fall where you want them to, and even when they do, they never grasp and pull what you intended them to. Now, however, your hands are very effective tools. I can see you thinking about what you want to grab before you make a move. Most of the time you connect with the desired object, and a large percentage of the time you actually get a hold of it too! This is, of course, immediately followed by shoving the object into your mouth. How exciting! Sometimes you just quietly contemplate the world by staring into space and licking whatever is closest to your mouth at the moment: our hands, the Bjorn, toys, or blankets. I was reading a book last night, and you spent about 20 seconds grabbing at the cover of it, trying to get the letters off. That is a long time of focused attention for you.

You are also using your hands to grab at your mouth and gums. This is more often associated with whining, crying and whinging in general. Pair this with the rivers of drool that you now produce daily, and Daddy and I are pretty sure that you are experiencing the beginning of what will most likely be years of mouth pain. Hurrah! As necessary as those little pearly whites are, they can be the source of so much discomfort. Ask anyone who has experienced wisdom teeth, chipped teeth, cavities, braces, retainers, or even just a cold ice cream cone straight on. That pretty much covers anyone currently alive. However, stay strong my little one. At least they only attack your gums from underneath one or two at at time. We can only grimace in pain right along with you, cuddle you close and tell you that it will all be OK. I bought some homeopathic teething tablets, which I have used once or twice with you. You do seem a bit calmer afterwards, so we will keep using the sugar pills, if only for the placebo affect they have on Mommy.

You have perfected a cute little high pitched squeal that we love, although your vocalizations haven’t been as frequent this month. Perhaps you are busy concentrating on moving instead of talking now! You are moving a lot more in general. When we lay you down, you flail your legs and arms a lot. You also do “sit-ups” quite a bit. Although you are learning that bringing toys to your mouth with your hands it a lot easier than bringing your mouth to the toy with your stomach muscles. I joked with you that we should both do a sit-up exercise program every morning. You have been much more faithful at it than I have!

That is probably why you took me by complete surprise last week when you pulled yourself all the way forward and off the couch. I cringe to write to you that I let you fall. I still feel like such a horrible mother because of it. I think that I was more traumatized than you were, though. I definitely cried a lot longer. You were done crying in 2 minutes, cuddled for 2 more minutes, then slept for about 4 hours. Meanwhile, I was fairly hysterical, calling the doctor and my mom to make sure you were OK. They must get calls like that fairly regularly at the doctor’s office. Looking back on it, I realize that this is just the first (OK, maybe not even the first!) of many times that I will fail you as a mother. I know that I will worry about you for the rest of my life, since I love you so dearly, but I am also relieved that your welfare is not trusted to my incompetent hands alone. I know that God cares so much more about you than even Daddy or I do. This is such a relief, because I know that He is watching over you, and that He trusted you to our care in the first place. So I can’t promise that you won’t ever fall and skin your knee, but I can promise that I will always be there to cuddle you and tell you it is alright. And it is alright, as long as we both realize that God is watching over your every move, and that He cared enough to give us each other.

Love,
Mommy

Dearest little Dahlia,

We have hit the three month mark! This is a time that we have always looked forward to as a huge landmark: the “fourth trimester” is completed, colic is over (although we were spared that one), and a lot of babies can sit up and roll over. You aren’t really sitting up and rolling over a lot, but you were Sleeping Through the Night.

I say were, unfortunately, because you only did it for about 10 days. Now you are back to waking up every 3-4 hours. I’m sure your sleep habits will continue to evolve, and we will get that treasured block of 8 hours back. It took me a while to get used to it when you were sleeping for so long. I would wake up every few hours on my own and check on you. But toward the end of the 10 days, I was sleeping right through with you! It sure was nice while it lasted. You had seemed to make up for it, however, by crying and screaming inconsolably for 1-2 hours before you went to Sleep Through the Night. Although I felt it was a fair trade-off at the time, you have kept the inconsolable crying habit while losing the Sleeping Through the Night habit. We have to work on helping you distinguish good habits from bad habits.

You are learning how to make new sounds and noises. It makes me feel giddy inside when your face erupts in that huge gummy grin that you greet me with so often.

Sometimes, though, when you are in a bad mood, or as we say, “borderline”, you greet me instead with a pause, a pouty, trembling lower lip, and some crying.

Of course, the lower lip is so funny to your Dad and I that we can’t help but laugh as we pick you up or entertain you a little better.

You do demand the best in entertainment.

We still have our “Dahlia TV” time with you, but you are no longer loyal only to Daddy or me. You don’t hesitate to have “conversations” with your toy monkey or Whoozit. I have to admit that I feel a little left out, but I’m glad that your social circle is widening. The world is so much more interesting to you now that you sometimes like to play, “Where isn’t Daddy/Mommy?” as we try to engage your eyes with our own. In fact, if the TV is on, we can forget about getting your attention away from it at all. You twist and cry if you can’t see it. I know this makes us horrible parents…(don’t tell anyone that we have been sleeping you on your stomach too! *gasp*) but at least we try to make sure that you are watching things like Planet Earth, and not Battlestar Galactica.

This month you also had your first cold, complete with a snotty, stuffy nose. It wasn’t fun listening to you struggle to breathe, but it was very gratifying to suck those boogers out with a bulb syringe. Like Daddy says, “You can pick your nose, you can pick your baby’s nose, but you can’t pick your baby!” . But even if we could pick our baby, we would pick you.

Don’t ever forget it!

Love Always,
Mom

Dearest little Dahlia,

We made it through month two without breaking “any of the rules”:http://kennsarah.net/2007/01/06/full-circle/! And you made it through to begin the third month of your life with an entirely new set of skills. You now regularly smile and coo when you are in a good mood. In fact, we love it so much when you interact with us that we regularly stop videos or whatever we are doing just to watch you and coo back. Daddy calls this time “Dahlia TV”.

There have been so many physical developments over this past month! You have always been good at holding your head up, but you seem so much stronger now! When you lay on your tummy, you can look around for practically a minute or two, holding your head steady. Your legs and arms are a lot stronger and more coordinated (you like to pummel me with your feet when I bring you to bed to nurse you). You have also discovered the joys of being coordinated enough to suck on your fist and bat at toys that are dangled in front of you. I guess your physical strength is the reason that you were able to roll over when you were just five weeks and two days old. Grandma and Poppy had just gotten finished putting your crib together, and we wanted to see if you liked hanging out in it. We put you in it on your tummy, and you proceeded to roll all the way over onto your back. We actually caught this on video, which is pretty amazing, since we haven’t videotaped anything else before or since. I thought it might have been a fluke, but you have rolled over again since then. We’re proud of you. I mean, it took the dog until she was three years old until she learned how to roll over.

Although you have had a few nights where you felt it necessary to get up every hour or so, most of the time your sleeping habits are great, and you have even gone seven hours between feedings on two separate occasions! Those were almost scary times. I wasn’t sure you were okay since I am so used to feeding you every few hours. You have also taken to sleeping in your crib without a problem. This was very hard for me at first, I have to admit. It was emotionally difficult to allow you to sleep in another room. But I guess ten feet isn’t that far away, and we both seem to sleep so much better when I’m not constantly awake, listening to your every move and sometimes getting you up to nurse when you were really still asleep.

You are so much more inquisitive about your surroundings, you sometimes fuss when you can’t look around, and you definitely prefer to be vertical so you can check things out. It seems as if you learn something new every day, and that you are constantly changing! Daddy and I have realized that we shouldn’t ever feel like we have you figured out. It seems like when we do, you decide to switch things up.

My favorite part of this month has been my “conversations” with you; those special times when you stare so intently at me that I wish I knew what you were thinking. And then you start cooing and warbling. I talk to you about what you are saying and doing, and let you fill in the pauses with your own opinions. (It’s also very amusing to watch the faces that Daddy makes when he has his “conversations” with you). It is just so great. Your smile makes everything worth it. We love watching you become more aware of this big wide world around you, and we are honored that we get to show you around it for the next few years.

With much love,
Mom

I have been using a sling as a baby carrier for Dahlia, and I love it. The ring sling I have can be adjusted to hold a baby in so many different positions, you can use it for newborns all the way up until they are about 20 lbs (depending on your resiliency as a pack animal). Not only can I soothe her to sleep in it most of the time, I have my hands free, I can nurse her in it, and we have even used it to take her into a movie with us! Strollers are just too bulky!

Anyway, when I walk around the neighborhood with her in it, I usually get funny looks. Sometimes someone asks with amazement, “Is that a baby in there?”. I have to smile as I restrain from replying, “No, I usually sling a bag of potatoes across my chest like this to burn extra calories while I walk.” Most people in my area, if they have seen a baby carrier at all, are used to the Bjorn or Snuggli types.

I was taking the dog on a walk a few days ago, and I put Dahlia in the sling. One of my Portuguese neighbors stopped me and asked me whether I had had a boy or girl. I said that I had a girl, and then I offered her a look at Dahlia, who was sleeping in the sling. Surprised, she said, “Oh, that’s the baby?”. Then, after taking a look, she smiled and said, “She’s fat!”. I was laughing and telling her that Dahlia is a good eater when she followed up by saying, “She looks like you!”. I said, “Um…thanks! Have a good day!”, and continued on my walk.

Must be the language barrier.

_Ken says that I should post. I agree, but I think I have a perfection complex. I don’t want to get into posting because if I write that often, I won’t be able to make everything perfect. I realize that blogging isn’t about perfection, but with my personality, it is hard to not make it that way. All this to say that I am going to make an effort to blog. There are so many things I could write about._

_I’ve been thinking about this idea for a while, and I finally decided that I want to write monthly letters to my daughter, Dahlia. By the way, this is kind of a stolen idea from “Heather Armstrong”:http://www.dooce.com. I really enjoy reading her letters to her daughter Leta, and considering the frightening speed with which the first month has passed, I want to make sure I get some of my thoughts down in writing. And now all of you can read them too!_

Dearest little Dahlia,

I can’t believe the first month of your life has passed! Where has all the time gone? All those months of waiting to meet you have ended, and now you’ve been here for 4 weeks already. Everyone was right when they said it would be worth the wait.

So far, I consider us extremely blessed with your easy-going personalty. You have proven to be an enthusiastic nurser and sleepy “car baby”, you seem to ration your screaming and crying, and sleep in 2-3 hour chunks through the night. Although I enjoy these things, I am fully aware that they can change instantaneously. Some would call this attitude pessimistic. I call it realistic.

I have watched over the past few weeks as you have gained over 3 pounds, shed your umbilical stump to join the world of “innies”, blown out your first (and your second and third and fourth….) diaper, and have practically outgrown all the yellow, green and white newborn clothing. Don’t worry though, all of our relatives and friends have ensured that you have enough pink clothing to last most of your first year. Of all the things you have to worry about in this world, little girl, don’t ever worry that you don’t have a family that loves you. And I don’t just mean that they send you nice clothes. You have been born into a family — both genetic and spiritual — of people that care enough to travel out to visit you frequently, send you thoughtful cards and gifts, supply us all with delicious meals, do our housework, and generally make a big fuss over you. They are truly interested in investing in your life. This is, of course, what family does for one another, but I’m telling you that it is an unusual thing to have family that really cares for you.

I swear that you smiled at me this morning as I blearily leaned over you on the changing table at 3AM. How cool is that? Not only do you want to hang out with me so much that you wake up at 3AM to do it, but you actually smile to let me know you appreciate it. Or to let me know that you are about to fill the clean diaper I just put on you. Seriously, I think we need to talk about this diapering thing: it’s happened often enough for me to point out that you have picked up the bad habit of pooping and peeing on us as soon as we remove the old diaper. I like to think it is because you just want a wardrobe change, but if that’s your worst fault, I can live with it. I’m imagining you as a teenager in the mall…but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

I know that you will be growing up in a hurry, and there is nothing I can do about that but enjoy what I have while I have it. This last month together has been great, and I am so excited about the privilege of watching you change every day. So for now I will savor the grunts, squeaks and quacks that you make. I will count your toes, kiss your fuzzy head, and take time to examine your tiny fingers. I will enjoy our cuddle time and laugh at your ridiculous faces. It is strange that one day you are just pregnant, and the next day you are a parent. It seems to me that while parenthood happens suddenly, becoming a good parent is definitely a process. Dad and I love you very much, and we promise to work hard to be good parents.

Love,
Mom

It’s amazing to me the change that takes place after the birth of your first child. The world suddenly finds itself a new axis, pivoting around your little girl (at least in the scope of your sleep-deprived, perpetually distracted Daddy brain). You get offended when passers-by don’t stop and stare in wonder at your baby — whose attention you will stop at no limits to get, whose sleep patterns are constantly the subject of water cooler conversations, and whose happy glances and jerky motor responses have displaced every clever sitcom.

The realization that, in fact, all of humanity perpetuates by producing these tiny creatures and that countless men and women have had children is almost too much to bear. And you realize that this is actually how normal people think and you’re vaguely aware that a previous you — a now very distant you — used to think think exactly the same way. _What’s the big deal about children?_ That previous you had enough tact to never actually say that out loud, but the thought permeated many conversations with parents, and you wince at your open ignorance.

But now, here you are on day 21 AD (After Dahlia), hoping to get a social glance while changing diapers in the middle of the night, sharing tips for calming techniques with your family, and turning into a big mush whenever you get a quiet moment with this new little person.

Yesterday was my first day back at the office and, not surprisingly, our hardest day with Dahlia yet. D had been up with Sarah every hour from 11 PM until 4 AM (when I stayed up with her and flipped through the news of the day). It didn’t get much better after that, either. I came home to a frustrated Schmoo, a dozing baby, and an anxious dog. Dahlia hadn’t slept all day, wanting to be fed every hour.

I made some dinner and we sat down in front of The Office so Sarah could eat in peace and take her mind off our little budding fascist. Around eight, she and Dahlia went down for a nap while I worked in the living room. It was only an hour later when Sarah brought the fussy baby out, dropped her in my lap, and went back to the bedroom.

Dahlia and I hung out for a little while, but soon enough she was grumbling and crying. I changed her diaper, rocked her, swaddled her, shushed her, and soothed her. After about ten minutes of this, she’d either veg out and stare or fall asleep. I sat on the couch with her in my arms, only to have her flip out a few minutes later, and we started the whole routine over again.

I figured that if I could quiet Dahlia down, she really couldn’t have been _that_ hungry (babies have an uncanny ability to let you know when they’re really in dire need). So we kept dancing on until about 10:30 PM when she was totally inconsolable. I woke Sarah up to feed the baby — she had slept about two hours at that point.

We went to sleep again around eleven, only to have Dahlia fuss again at midnight. I scooped her up out of her crib and went back to hop around the living room. I was just able to keep her from exploding in angry cries until 1 AM, giving Sarah another two hours of sleep. Sarah sent me back to bed so I could get some rest before heading into the office this morning.

I was exhausted, and I overslept. But today was a much, much better day for Sarah and the baby.

The first few days after your birth, we were running on adrenaline. All of our family within a two hour drive came out to meet you; my sister even volunteered to change your diaper. Grandma’s been here the last couple of days to help by making a meal or washing the dishes so we can sleep. But last night, things finally slowed down as we all learned what the next few weeks are going to be like.

You were so alert! I changed your diaper after you started fussing in your crib. I expected you to fall asleep after I swaddled you, but instead you opened your eyes around 11 PM, and just kept looking around. You looked at your Daddy for what felt like an eternity before turning to watch me upload your photos into Flickr. I made iTunes do some cool things on the screen, but you weren’t impressed. You stared inquisitively at my favorite stripey shirt — the pattern fascinating your growing newborn mind — right before you ejected 3 ounces of milk onto it.

Afterwards, you were the frumpiest we’ve seen you yet: hungry and in pain. Mama winced in sympathy, knowing how confusing your state must have been to you, and helped by burping and feeding you. She sent me to bed at 2 AM so she could take the night shift. I felt bad, but we both knew I needed it. She’s tough, your Mom: she used to do 1- and 2-hour overnight checks at the equine clinic, so she knows how to survive on a little sleep.

After flying through Newark rush hour traffic and weaving through the parking lot that is Route 80, Dahlia was born in Denville today at 7:34 PM, weighing in at 7lbs, 8oz and was 19 and a quarter inches long. Both mom and baby are doing just fine. Pictures, soon.

Update: Pictures here.